In her late 20s, the author found herself overwhelmed. Working as a journalist in public radio, a role she had long aspired to, proved stressful. She dealt with relentless news deadlines, early morning shifts, and constant pressure. These conditions took a toll, and her stress manifested physically. Alongside her professional pursuits, she harbored dreams of travel, regular physical activity, and outdoor adventures. Yet, achieving these desires meant possibly leaving her stable job.
This internal conflict is explained by psychotherapist Satya Doyle Byock as a common struggle for those in their ‘quarterlife.’ This stage falls between adolescence and midlife, where one often battles between the desire for stability and the yearning for meaning. In her book, ‘Quarterlife: The Search for Self in Early Adulthood,’ Byock provides insights into navigating this uncertain phase. Her work highlights how normal such conflicts are among those in this life stage.
A portrait of author Satya Doyle Byock alongside the cover of her book.
Byock mentions, ‘A person might want to both live single and long for marriage and kids.’ These conflicting desires are confusing, making it hard to decide where to go. To assist individuals in finding a balance, she introduces an exercise called ‘My Two Conflicting Selves.’ This exercise involves drawing stick figures representing these competing aspects, listing their desires and needs, and determining how to harmonize them.
Byock emphasizes that understanding these inner conflicts can reveal much about oneself. The exercise is not solely for those in their 20s; it’s beneficial for anyone facing such internal struggles. Here are the exercise steps you can try, which take about 15 minutes using a piece of paper and a pen or pencil.
Step 1: Draw Your Stick Figures
Fold a sheet of paper in half. Draw a stick figure on each side. One figure represents ‘stability,’ symbolizing safety and groundedness. The other figure represents ‘meaning,’ depicting the desire for adventure and freedom.
Step 2: Name Each Side of Your Personality
Assign a name to each stick figure. The names could be inspired by movies, TV shows, or personal nicknames. For instance, the author used ‘Daphne’ for her adventurous side and ‘Marielle’ for her stable side. Byock suggests these names give life to hidden parts of ourselves, facilitating discussions in personal life or therapy.
Step 3: Write a Narrative Around Your Two Sides
Delve into each stick figure’s personality traits to uncover your internal struggles. Answer the following questions using bullet points or doodles. Consider your current lifestyle or aspirations:
- What job do you have?
- What is your relationship status?
- What kind of clothes do you wear?
- Do you have a pet?
- Do you follow a religion or spiritual practice?
- Where do you live?
- How do you spend your leisure?
- What are your hobbies?
- What is your dream vacation?
- Do you have or want children?
Add any other attributes that enrich each side’s desires.
Step 4: Observe Your Two Sides’ Wishes and Needs
Review your responses. Identify differences and similarities. Reflect on where your personalities diverge and align. For instance, the author found her stability side, Marielle, led an organized life, whereas her adventurous side, Daphne, embraced spontaneity.
Step 5: Fulfill Both Sides of Yourself
Evaluate which side dominates your life currently, expressing this balance as percentages. Consider if you want to adjust this ratio. Contemplate actions to achieve the desired balance. Perhaps embark on a spontaneous trip or incorporate travel memories into your home decor.
Once completed, display your stick figure exercise as a reminder of your dual desires and aspirations to integrate both into your life.
The episode’s audio was produced by Clare Marie Schneider. The digital story was edited by Malaka Gharib. Share your thoughts by leaving a voicemail at 202-216-9823 or emailing [email protected]. Listen to Life Kit on Apple Podcasts and Spotify or subscribe to their newsletter for more insights.
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