Photo illustration by Becky Harlan/NPR
Amy Chan vividly remembers the moment she discovered her partner’s infidelity. She fell to the floor, overwhelmed by the loss of not only her partner but also the future she had envisioned — a home, children, and a fairy-tale ending. “I put so much of my identity in him, and us and our future plan, that without that, I didn’t know who I was,” recalls Chan. This led to years of depression and anxiety. Friends often checked in to ensure she ate. Although she is doing much better now, the journey to recovery was arduous.
Chan transformed her experience into Renew Breakup Bootcamp, a retreat offering guidance from relationship experts. She also authored Breakup Bootcamp: The Science of Rewiring Your Heart. Along with other experts, she shares insights on healing after a breakup.
Understanding the Pain
Breakups come in various forms — whether slow fades or abrupt endings. Regardless of circumstances, they share an undeniable trait: they hurt. Recognizing this pain is the first step toward healing.
Neuroscience illustrates that when we’re happy in relationships, brain regions related to rewards activate similarly to eating chocolate or winning money. Conversely, rejection activates brain areas processing physical pain, indicating genuine distress. Clinical psychologist Orna Guralnik advises acknowledging breakups as deserving self-care and emotional consideration, cautioning against rushing recovery.
Chan likens breakup recovery to mourning. Despite well-meaning advice to “buck up” from friends, it’s essential to allow yourself to experience emotions. Avoid self-judgment.
Avoid Self-Medicating
Booze and drugs diminish rational and logical thinking, impairing breakup recovery. They heighten regret and obscure clarity needed for decision-making. Opt for healthier coping mechanisms.
Acceptance and Moving Forward
After a breakup, shock impacts the body even if you intellectually understand the relationship’s end. Seeking ‘love hormones’ through text or social media obsession perpetuates pain. Unless sharing responsibilities or items, contact with an ex hinders closure.
Chan warns that individuals who perceive closure as relief from pain mistakenly focus beyond separation. Avoid villainizing or idolizing your ex; both distort reality and impede personal growth.
Use Breakups for Self-Reflection
Breakups provide chances to learn about oneself. Chan’s clients recount their breakup stories — edited for clarity without judgment — to identify thinking traps such as generalizations or black-and-white thinking.
Examining past relationships aids in understanding recurring abandonment feelings impacting relationships. Guralnik cautions against shame-based thoughts and encourages learning from mistakes without self-deprecation.
Recognizing Stagnation
People process breakups at individual rates. Guralnik suggests repetitive thoughts or unchanging emotional experiences signal being ‘stuck.’ If habits reinforce negative emotions rather than fostering growth, intervention may be needed.
Physical activity and social connections naturally ease pain. Refocus energy on hobbies or passions, gradually filling your life with purpose.
Reentering the Dating Scene
Determining readiness to date post-breakup lacks strict rules. Experts recommend ensuring genuine interest, rather than distraction, motivates dating pursuits. Chan notes dating trials provide self-awareness. Recognize setbacks as normal, and embrace gradual reengagement.
Ultimately sustaining relationships may arise when thoughts no longer center on understanding previous failures.
In the podcast segment of this story, Clare Marie Schneider produced content. We invite readers to share life-hacks via voicemail at 202-216-9823 or email [email protected]. Your tips may feature in future episodes. Subscribe to our newsletter for more insights from Life Kit.
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