Davon Loeb grew up enjoying Chef Boyardee, while his wife, Jennie, was accustomed to her Italian mother’s homemade dishes. Together, along with their two children, they navigate blending their distinct cultural backgrounds. As a Black, white, and Jewish man, Davon faces different challenges than Jennie, who is Italian and Irish. Over their ten-year relationship, they have had meaningful discussions about raising multiracial children and dealing with biases.
Nina Sharma, author of The Way You Make Me Feel: Love in Black and Brown, emphasizes starting with curiosity. She advises couples to talk openly about each other’s cultures. Here are four key discussions for interracial couples:
1. Discussing Differences
Conversations about racial and cultural differences are crucial. Psychotherapist Kaoru Oguro suggests these talks help understand the dynamics of race and power in a relationship. Initial questions might include:
- What is your language like?
- Have you experienced being othered?
- How would you describe your hair?
Long-term couples might explore topics such as religious beliefs, biases, and family traditions to shape future decisions.
2. Creating a Family Culture
Decide how to integrate and celebrate each culture. Oguro emphasizes co-creating a blended culture. For Davon and Jennie, this includes teaching their children about Black icons, enjoying Italian meals, and attending Jewish camps.
Consider what your family’s unique culture might look, sound, and feel like. Elements such as music, food, and textures can create a unique cultural experience.
3. Compromising on Culture
Cultural or spiritual practices may require compromise. When partners have differing practices, negotiation is key, as Kwame Christian of the American Negotiation Institute advises. Be open and explore solutions together.
Focus on cooperation: “It is you and me versus the problem, not me versus you,” emphasizes Christian.
4. Supporting Each Other in Diverse Spaces
When facing biases from others, plan ahead to support your partner. Decide together how to respond, whether that means confronting biases directly or choosing to avoid certain situations. Sharma, who discusses “Afro-Asian solidarity,” stresses continual effort in supporting your partner against societal pressures.
Davon Loeb’s experiences and insights are documented in his memoir, The In-Betweens: a Lyrical Memoir. His insights provide valuable guidance for couples navigating cultural complexities.
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