Journalist Meredith Lepore openly acknowledges her tendency to hold grudges. She admits they can persist for five to seven years, sometimes even longer. Lepore recalls feeling overlooked 12 years ago when friends did not involve her enough in planning a bachelorette party. She stated, “I don’t think I ever planned a bachelorette party after that.” In her twenties, she felt wronged when a roommate got upset with her for getting locked out of their apartment. Although she might share a drink with the roommate today, she would not consider her a friend.
A memorable grudge from Lepore’s college years centers around a cake incident. Her parents had sent her a birthday cake, which was stolen by someone boasting about it the next day. When asked if she’s still upset, Lepore said, “I’ve held that one for a long time. I think now I’m over it!” She attributes her penchant for grudges to her father, who, despite being a kind and brilliant doctor, held onto his own grudges throughout life.
Grudge holding is widespread. A survey found that 78% of adults harbor some form of lingering resentment, often maintaining several grudges simultaneously. According to psychotherapist Nancy Colier, patients frequently struggle with grudges. She is struck by how minor events can fester into significant emotional burdens. Colier describes working with someone in her fifties who still holds a grudge against a high school friend over a minor disagreement from decades ago. “We’re lighting ourselves on fire, expecting the other person to die of smoke inhalation,” she noted.
Tyler VanderWeele, a professor of epidemiology at Harvard, compares unforgiveness to consuming poison while hoping the other person perishes. Research links grudges to various health issues, including cardiovascular problems, depression, and anxiety. VanderWeele explains that the modern tendency to publicly express grudges, partly due to social media, has increased. Discussions on character seem to have dwindled, contributing to this shift. Colier criticizes the political landscape where politicians openly display their grudges, calling it “very childlike.”
Letting go of grudges begins with forgiveness. VanderWeele argues it involves replacing ill will with goodwill. While not the sole solution to reconciliation, forgiveness is crucial. “Anger becomes like a sickness,” observed author Immaculée Ilibagiza. A survivor of the Rwandan genocide, Ilibagiza learned to let go of her rage, realizing it only harmed her. She now advocates for forgiveness, sharing her message globally.
Grudges, regardless of their scale, need addressing. Nancy Colier emphasizes the importance of self-reliance in personal well-being. “Your well-being cannot rely on anyone else changing or doing anything for you,” she insists. Achieving inner peace requires taking control of one’s own emotions and removing grudges from one’s narrative.
“Narratives: Let Go of the Stories That Keep You Stuck” by Nancy Colier explores how personal narratives can prevent us from living a more connected life.
For further insights, consider reading Colier’s book, out on November 3, available through major retailers. Author Ilibagiza’s works also highlight the profound impact of forgiveness.
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