Dealing with difficult relationships can be challenging. You may find yourself in strained connections that require careful consideration about continuing or stepping back from them. Therapist KC Davis addresses these issues in her book, Who Deserves Your Love: How to Create Boundaries to Start, Strengthen or End Any Relationship. This guide offers practical advice for when relationships with family, partners, or friends become complicated.
Understanding Relationship Dynamics
KC Davis introduces the “Relationship Decision Tree,” a flowchart designed to help navigate complex relations. It helps in making decisions about whether to stay engaged or to step back. The flowchart encourages questioning behaviors that bother you.
Why is this behavior objectionable? Recognize what’s specifically bothersome about the person’s behavior. This question assists in identifying why the action causes discomfort. If, for instance, a roommate doesn’t perform chores, ask whether their messiness is harmful or simply annoying.
Examining Change and Values
Are they willing to change? If it is affecting you, explore possibilities for behavior modification. Initiate conversations to discover if they will alter their actions. Find compromises that work for both, such as splitting household tasks.
Does staying in this relationship violate my values? Consider physical and psychological safety as primary values. If a relationship compromises these, reassess continuing. Other values may include loyalty to family safety or maintaining sobriety.
Deciding to Leave or Stay
Would leaving violate my values? Determine if exiting from the relationship contradicts your values, even if staying doesn’t. Reflect on obligations based on the relationship’s history. Determine the extent of responsibility owed.
If I want to disengage, what could that look like? When opting to leave, plan how to do so in a way that protects values. Disengagement may vary, such as divorce or changing the dynamics with parents and friends.
Maintaining Relationships with Boundaries
If I want to maintain the relationship, how could I do so with boundaries? If deciding to continue a relationship, establish boundaries to protect well-being. These are rules that maintain your psychological and physical health. Examples include managing visits with an abusive parent or setting limits on partner responsibilities.
In cases of intimate partner violence, reach out to resources like the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE.
The digital story was edited by Meghan Keane, with art direction by Beck Harlan. For further discussions, connect with us through voicemail at 202-216-9823 or email at [email protected].
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